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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23590276">Change in Habits</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessi_08/pseuds/jessi_08'>jessi_08</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Women's Soccer RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 23:22:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,667</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23590276</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessi_08/pseuds/jessi_08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tobin is used to pushing those she loves away but she's getting tired of it. Will seeking advice help her get over her own fears and insecurities to make things right?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tobin Heath/Christen Press</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>62</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Tobin put her head in her hands, sighing deeply. She looked back up at the woman sitting across from her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hard week?” The woman asked and Tobin nodded. “Want to talk about it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not really.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You see the trade news from Premier League?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you tell me why I push people away?” Tobin asked, shocking the woman. She thought about the question for a moment, placing the end of her pen in her mouth, chewing it slightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think that is something only you can answer. It might take you some time, but I believe it’ll be worth your time digging into it. Why, has something happened?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I pushed away someone who cares a lot about me. Someone I shouldn’t have.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When did you do this?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Honestly? Its been happening over the last few years but it’s now been months since we spoke.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why did you push them away?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I felt like I was falling, and I was… but we’re not in the same state, we don’t want the same things in life... “</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you want in life, Tobin?” Tobin looked up at the woman, her jaw slack.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t even know… I love my job but I can’t stand my life. Everything seems perfect on the outside like I couldn’t ask for more. I haven’t found any joy in my hobbies for a long time. I can’t seem to ever relax, it’s like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time. I swear when people touch me now I jump fifteen feet into the air… I’m so tired it’s hard to even get up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, but what do you want in life?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“To be happy…. To get married, to be love, to have kids one day.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know someone else won’t complete you, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, and I think that’s another reason I pushed them away because it’s not fair to strap someone with my baggage, especially when I’m like this. Throw in long-distance and it’ll just be harder.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you remember telling me about your first love?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How you would do anything for them even though you know the two of you would have imploded down the road?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s different we were young and living practically in the same place.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So it was easy?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t go that far but yeah it was easier than getting involved with someone right now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“With anyone or with the person we’re talking about now?” Tobin faltered on the question.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“With anyone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You will always be alone if you don’t allow people in Tobin.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know why I pushed them away, it was like an automatic response.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell me more about it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was like one day, suddenly everything felt horrible. Like I was drowning…. I thought maybe if I try to go back to how it was when we first met it would be different… but it just kept nagging away at me and it was like the walls slowly closing in on me…. But I love them… I still do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And yet you haven’t reached out?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sometimes you hurt people too many times and you know you won’t be any different… because you don’t know how to change. You don’t want to say sorry because sorry means you won’t do it again and I don’t think I can promise to not push them away again. It’s a bad habit.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It sounds like you’re afraid to love.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, you would be too if your love died.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t believe in soulmates, I believe that there are multiple people meant for everyone it just well fate plays a part in who we end up with.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess that makes sense.” Tobin sighed, “They are better off without me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t you think that’s their choice to make?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do… but I also know every time I hurt them I get worse. I become a worse human being.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are not a bad human being. You are caring and loving and would bend over backward for almost anyone. You just have hang-ups, we all do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yet my hang-up is I keep hurting people that love me because I’m not ready to grow up and start making sacrifices to be with another human.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think you are berating yourself a little too much here Tobin. Everyone has their own struggles.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Isn’t that why I’m here, you’re supposed to help me with my struggles.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am, to talk through them, it’s up to you to take action to change them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What if I’m not sure I’m ready to change them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you happy?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s the worst that could happen?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They tell me to pound sand and I lose them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re already losing them, Tobin.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve already lost them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then what’s the problem?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“At least this time it’s my fault I’ve lost them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>x-x-x</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tobin stared down at her phone the name highlighted has been that way for nearly six hours now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t call now… I’m just going to repeat the same pattern.” Tobin put her phone away and walked out onto the deck, looking out over the city. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tobin, just tell Christen you’re sorry,” Becky said, leaning on the deck railing next to Tobin. “She’ll understand, maybe you guys don’t end up together, but at least you clear your mind.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And what if I just cause her more pain?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s a risk you run.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right now… it’s painful for both of us but it’s sort of at an end.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tobin, if you think that is an end, that messy bull shit… you’re sadly mistaken.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For now… it is.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve thought of nothing but her for months, since the day you two last spoke. You love her, you just don’t know how to deal with it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not ready to give things up… not ready to change my life to be with someone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then be alone forever. Just know, you’re letting a great one go.” Becky patted Tobin’s shoulder before going back into the apartment. Tobin sat down on the patio chair, she pulled her phone back out staring down at the screen. She waited for a moment before swiping on a name, her heart raced as the phone rang. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Tobin hung up and walked back into the apartment, shutting the door behind her. Becky looked up from her book.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t do this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tobin, what do you have to lose?” Becky asked and Tobin walked over to her sitting on the couch next to her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am not miserable enough yet. I am not there yet. If I’m not there then I will do the same thing again.” Tobin groaned. “I’m like 75% of the way there. I spend most of my day missing her, but the time that I’m not… I’m not affected. I need to be affected. I need to be sure that I’m doing the right thing. For both of us. I can’t break both of our hearts again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry but at what point of your day are you not miserable?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When I remember the bad times.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like what?” Becky turned, sitting cross-legged to face Tobin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know… I mean I know it’s all in my head. I just felt like too many things stood in our way.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Everything, she’s in Utah, her family is in Californa, mine is in New Jersey, we come from two different worlds.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well travel is a thing and I hear these new things called airplanes are pretty quick and easy to get a ride on one. Tobin is being from two different worlds a bad thing?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Everything is a bad thing right now.” Tobin groaned laying back on the couch, throwing an arm over her eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you want?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“To have her and not worry about fucking it up again.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So why not reach out and just start working on it now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I know myself… my behavior hasn’t changed yet.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What behavior is that?” Becky asked and Tobin stretched her neck to look at Becky. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All of it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve seen changes, they aren’t all huge changes but there are a lot of small ones. I, unfortunately, can’t see into your,” Becky leaned forward and tapped Tobin’s forehead, “head, so I don’t know how you’ve changed mentally but I know you have.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have a long way to go.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The fact that you see that though, it shows you’ve grown.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not enough though, I want to make sure this never happens again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tobin, if you wait too long you’ll miss your chance.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If I miss my chance then it’s on me, she deserves to be happy.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So do you Tobin, you just have to take a chance on yourself. Don’t wait too long.” Becky got up and started walking out of the room. “What are you going to do when she calls you back?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell her I thought I was ready but I’m still not. That I need more time… I need to still grow up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sometimes you’re too hard on yourself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah well, I wasn’t hard enough on myself years ago when I started running from my feelings. No matter what she’ll be one of the best things to ever happen to me. No matter if we figure this out or not.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. I can see that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just need her to know this is all on me. It’s my fear, my insecurities, my fault. I should’ve communicated better.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“At least you see it now.” Becky grabbed a beer from the fridge, she walked over to Tobin handing it to her. “You’re getting there, You’re improving. Now shut up, sit down and breathe, you’re stressing out too much, it’ll add to the mess going on in your head.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks.” Tobin took the beer and looked at Becky. “Why didn’t you kick my ass a few years ago over this?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Easy, you weren’t mature enough yet. If you were to do this again right now, I would’ve.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Next time… do it. Sometimes I need someone else to point out I’m ruining my life.” </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Apparently I wasn't done with this one. I think it's done now... maybe... Can't you tell I'm wishy-washy?</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It's 2 in the morning here, I'm tired, my dog ate a tampon, I'm stressed, I want to sleep but I haven't slept well in months and now I have to stay up and hope the dog throws up from the peroxide I gave him. So hopefully you all like this one and hopefully it's good... I wrote this in 20 minutes so no promises.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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